


Vengeance in my Heart, Death in my Hand

by Butterflyfish



Series: Getting to know Daryl Dixon. [11]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Canon/non-canon, Death, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Life Lessons, Love, Rape/Non-con Elements, Smut, au - zombies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2018-08-23 04:58:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8314762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butterflyfish/pseuds/Butterflyfish
Summary: Abra and Daryl go back to Alexandria to find it in tatters. Their home and their lives need rebuilding, and they both want revenge on the saviours





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I decided that Abra and Daryl do have more to give, YAY! For once they might have a happy ending, but don't hold your breath!

Alexandria was a mess. The fires were out and the gates were locked, but we'd let them down by running. I hoped they understood.  
Rick put his arms around me and held me tight.

"I get it" he said after Daryl and I explained where we'd been "I can't imagine what you've both been through." He pulled away from me and patted Daryl on the shoulder. "I can't say I'd've been as sane myself. But there is work to be done, and we need to teach Negan that he is not in charge here." I nodded, still tearful.

"I'm in a better frame of mind now," I said to him, "I don't think I could have followed orders a couple days ago."

"Ya have a plan?" Daryl asked him, sounding unsure. I took my husband's hand and gave it a squeeze. This was going to be tough, hard work with our recent loss.

"We owe it to Charlie, Abraham and Glenn to teach that asshole a lesson he won't soon forget" I said. "We're with you, Rick. Whatever you need." I believed it, I felt it. There would be no arguments from me anymore. If Daryl needed to go out and leave me behind, so be it. He wasn't leaving me behind because I couldn't cope but because I could. I had to trust he knew what he was doing, I had to have faith in him. And in myself and my family. What was left of them.

The house seemed so empty. One of only a handful still standing it was dark and quiet without Charlie.

"We'll have to invite people in" I said to Daryl as he shut the door behind us. "There's not enough room now for everyone."

"Not right now" he said, leaning his back against the door, looking around the living room sadly. I turned to take the space in.

Charlie and I had played cards together at the coffee table, his hand lay face down where we'd left them. An impossibly small leather vest was flung haphazardly on the couch, where I constantly begged Charlie not to throw it. I stumbled forward on weak legs and grabbed the jacket, bringing it to my face so I could bury my tears into it.

I wasn't prepared for this, and by leaving I'd just lengthened the process. I breathed in the strawberry and leather scent that was distinctly my little boy, and let out a long and lonesome sigh.

"This is so hard" I said, turning to Daryl who was now just inches behind me. His arms were around me in an instant and I collapsed into him, the leather vest still in my hands, and sobbed. This was supposed to get easier, but with each loss I remembered every one that came before it, and I thought the way things were going we'd never move on from Charlie's death, we'd never have the time. we couldn't sit on our haunches. There was work to be done.

* * *

 

I was tryin'a be strong for Abra, but I was runnin' outta energy. My legs wanted to give out beneath me as I held her, n I let them, sinking us slowly n carefully to the floor. I cradled her as best I could in my arms, but this was an all consumin' sorrow like I'd never felt.

I was tempted to shove Abra away, n make an excuse to leave this house, now full of so much silence, n ghost -echoes of a past that probably weren't as good as I was rememberin'.

But I couldn't do that, knowin' we'd need each other to get through this, knowin' we had another child on the way.  
Knowin' that Negan was out there, livin' it up like King of the survivors, n knowin' we could get our vengeance for all the shit he'd put us through.

No, no one was runnin' from this anymore. We'd done enough of that to last a lifetime.

"Hey," I coaxed her gently, realisin' the sobbin' had subsided to a collection of quiet hiccups. "C'mon, baby girl, let's get some sleep" I felt her move her head n look up at me, but I couldn't meet her eyes. Not then, not yet.

"Yeah" she whispered, removin' herself from my arms and unfoldin' her legs to get up. "Ugh" she said, strugglin' "li'l help?" She held her arms up to me and I hefted her to her feet, smilin' despite everythin'.

"C'mon chubby" I smirked with mock effort, n she swatted my arm playfully

"Screw you, red neck." She whispered with genuine humour. She leaned into me, as though she couldn't stand alone, and we ascended the stairs that way before collapsing, fully clothed, onto the bed.

Abra kicked off her boots and sighed loudly,

"Whenever I was sad, or something bad had happened," she said quietly, her back to me as I pulled off my clothes "I'd wake up and Charlie would be in here with us." I snaked my hand around her. I didn't want to talk, I wanted to sleep, but what could I say? I couldn't let us mournin' differently cause a gapin' hole again, we had enough of those in our lives without causin' a canyon ourselves. "That will never happen again." She grabbed my hand restin' on top of her roundin' gut as if the last was a sudden realisation.

Never. Never ever again.

"He's always gonna be with us Abra" I kissed the back of her neck, n at great length she struggled to turn n face me.

"That's true, but it's so cold and ever so lonely without him." She put her hand on my chest and seemed to contemplate it.

"Y'aint alone in this, Abs. Don't ever think ya are" she smiled still not lookin' at me.

Without thinkin' I started to undress her, not expectin' nothin', just helpin' her get more comfortable.

I pulled her pants and underwear over her boot socks, then pulled those off one by one as she pulled her tshirt over her head. I came back up the bed, bringing the covers with me as her skin broke out in goose flesh.

"I love you" she said quietly, as I wrapped my arms around her and held her close. "Despite every damn thing you've put me through since you and Glenn found me in the woods, maybe because of it. I love you so much Daryl." She pulled outta my arms and looked at me, her hand again resting on my chest.

* * *

 

He looked at me for the first time since we'd got home, really looked me in the eye.

I was trying so hard to be stoic, but he'd undressed me so carefully and so lovingly with no hidden agenda that I couldn't help the tears. It was all I could do to tell him I loved him, and that didn't convey how I felt, not really.

I placed my hand on his chest, wanting to feel his heart beating, wondering if it was in rhythm with mine, thinking it probably was.  
I wondered at the baby's heart, going twice as fast.

And still I felt so lonely. So completely alone knowing Charlie wasn't there.

Daryl's arms firmed up around me a little and I crashed my lips into his suddenly. He was taken aback, expecting this to be the last thing on my mind I suppose, but I needed to feel like I wasn't alone. I needed to feel his love. Anything to fill the empty void in me left by Charlie's death.

After the initial shock he warmed up to me, pulled me close, his hands moving from around me to in my hair. We melted together so I didn't know where he ended and I began. It got so I didn't know if the wetness on my skin were his tears or mine, or sweat, or something else. It was slow, soft and sad, and as we moved together I cried, and I know he was too, but it didn't matter.

Nothing mattered but us in that moment, our love, our loss.

Vengeance was far from our minds as we came together, and Daryl collapsed beside me.

I know if I wasn't carrying his child he would have collapsed on top of me, and I missed him immediately, dragging myself close to him, if only to feel his clammy skin against mine again.

* * *

 

It was unexpected, not that that would have stopped me.

I crashed into the bed beside her with an audible sigh, and she was on me again. Her cold and wet skin pressed against my hot and reddenin' chest.

It was good to have a few moments not to think, and I welcomed it, but she was softly crying against me again and an anger bubbled in my chest. The unpredictable and violent side of me wanted to escape, like Dr Jekyll or the Hulk, and I welcomed that, too.

If I could get that asshole back for what he did to us, what he was doing to my wife, I'd die a happy man.

It didn't escape me that I hadn't killed Dwight on first meetin' him, or when I ran into him on the road tryin' to find Abra. I weren't stupid, I knew this was partly on me. I'd never say those things to Abra, she'd never accept them, but I knew it was true. 

It made me all the more determined to make son's death mean somethin'.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up very suddenly in the morning. My eyes flew open and I sat bolt upright as soon as they did.

"Woah" I heard Daryl beside me "Y'ok?" I stared around the room, not sure what had woken me, and nodded.

"Yeah, I think so" I didn't expect to be here. I must have been dreaming about being elsewhere, I certainly didn't expect to be in our bedroom.

As everything came slowly into focus I lay myself back carefully.   
We were going to the Hilltop, and I hoped I would be able to see Carson about this baby's actual age.

There was a more pressing agenda, though, and I hoped we wouldn't run into any saviours, or Negan out to get revenge for us killing his men. Again.

Maybe I could explain to him that Dwight killed Charlie, he might even understand.

I snorted at that, and Daryl looked at me confused. I shook my head at him and he closed his eyes again. I had to remember that Negan was a player of games, and that we had to be mindful of that in all our dealings with him.

I only realised I was looking at the stump that used to be my ring finger when Daryl put his hand over it.

Mind games. Nothing he said was to be trusted.

The plan was to head for hilltop, and meet the saviours on their usual scavenging trip. Letting the minions know we would be waiting for Negan there.

I couldn't wait to see his smug face wiped clean, but it could be days, and in that time we would be waiting at the Hilltop. It'd be nice to see Maggie, and dear little Hershel, too.

I got out of bed and threw on some clothes in a daze. I wanted to get going as soon as possible, anything to get out of this too quiet house, anything to get my mind off the empty feeling in my chest.

I jogged down the stairs and out of the door barely pausing to look around. I jogged around Alexandria, heading away from the gates and swinging my path towards my old small holding.

As expected the fences were down, the pens overturned, and not one animal in sight. I sighed, kicking gently at a chicken feeder before lifting my head and jogging on again.

The exercise felt Amazing, and though I was tiring fast, I loved creating my own breeze that flew through my unkempt bed hair and felt like it was clearing my mind.

I ran along the far fences, beginning to count my steps to keep my mind occupied. I ran the entirety of the wall until  
I came to the gate. I'd seen everything, burnt out houses, trashed gardens, smashed solar panels and the food store doors swinging open and the inside looking decidedly empty.

I stopped at the gate, where Eugene stood watch on the ground and Sasha took watch up on the platform.

"Abra, if I may be so bold, I don't think runnin's the best idea given your current state of, uh, pregnancy" I have Eugene a nod, catching my breath.

"Eugene, I'm not sick, I'm carrying a few little extra cells is all" I gave him a smile but he didn't return it.

"Your shirt is inside out" Sasha called from the platform. "Are you sure you're up to this yet?" I thought about that, eyeing Sasha carefully. I couldn't even dress myself. I tugged on the collar of my tshirt,

"I have to be." Sasha paused a second before giving me a shallow nod. I looked to Eugene, and he shrugged at me, not meeting my eye.

"I can't imagine what you and Daryl are going through." He said nervously "but I too want vengeance for the crimes Negan has committed against us." He licked his lips "all of us" I nodded at him. He'd gotten braver, bolder, but be was still Eugene. I don't know why, but that made me happy.

* * *

 

The journey to the hilltop was long and quiet. Michonne kept lookin' over at me n Abra, starin' with a look in her eye like she used to have back at the prison. Like she had murder on her mind, n one single person in her sights.   
Back then it was the governor. God that felt like a million years ago.

Abra wrapped her hand 'round mine, n rested her head on my shoulder. It was comfortin'. I knew how a loss like ours could drive families apart, n I din't want that.

I caught Michonne's eye, and she narrowed those huge chocolate peepers at me, before noddin' with her mouth a surprisingly thin straight line. She turned away where she stood, heading for the cab where Rick was in the drivers seat.

Jesus, who I understood had continued to stay in Alexandria, was sittin' opposite us, he kept lookin' like he wanted to say somethin', but nothin' came outta his mouth.

I knew he had strong feelin' for Abra, nothin' like that, I was pretty sure she wasn't his type, if ya get what I mean, but he had strong feelin' for her none the less. They'd saved each other's asses more'n once, it was to be expected.

"Hey" I said quietly, catchin' his eye as he looked at us yet again. He looked at me, his face open and honest. "I never thanked ya," he narrowed his eyes slightly, confused. "For comin' straight to Alexandria with a warnin'." I explained. He shook his head sadly.

"I wasn't quick enough" he took a deep watery breath. "If I had been... Maybe..." He shrugged his shoulders but I shook my head at him.

"Nah, Y'ok by me, man. What happened? That ain't on you." He nodded gently.

"Thank you" he said, impossibly softly, turnin' away to look out of the window. Abra squeezed and released my hand, her acknowledgement of what I'd just done for her friend.

***

"This is your fight, not ours!" Gregory was surprised to see us, n none too happy about what we had planned.

"You brought us into this, you want to carry on kneeling? Giving that animal half of everything you have?" Rick was trying to reason with him, but I knew there weren't no point. The man was a coward. "This is your fight, too" Gregory shook his head defiantly n Rick lost his temper a little "they killed an innocent kid"

"That is your problem, not mine" Gregory spat, n I went to move forward, though Rick held out a hand n stopped me

"Want me to make it yours?" I hissed at him venomously. Gregory looked at me with something akin to sincerity on his face.

"I'm sorry about your boy, we have children here too. You cannot seriously be thinking of bringing the fight to them." Rick shrugged his shoulders.

"Alexandria has fallen at the hands of these people." He swallowed visibly and Gregory's face sneered.

"We had peace and calm before you turned up here." Rick rolled his shoulders and stretched out his neck, his eyes were crazy, looking at somethin' none of us could see.

"Ya gonna explain to my pregnant wife, who just lost her son, why y'ain't gonna let us do this?" I asked him quietly, knowin' instinctively the idea would scare the bejesus outta him. I hadn't seen Maggie approachin' with Hershel right beside her. It ain't how I wanted them to find out about it, but I guess shit happens.

* * *

 

"Lost your son?" Maggie and Hershel were marching forward with real purpose, she bypassed Rick and Daryl, heading straight for me. "Charlie?" She asked, her voice wavering and her eyes already wet. I felt my face crease up as my hand covered my mouth and I shook my head gently, my heart breaking all over again at the sight of her face crumpling to mirror mine, and her arms suddenly around me. We sobbed together a moment, before she stepped away and turned to Gregory.

"We help them. You wanted Negan gone, you wanted them to help. This is how we get it done." Gregory went to argue, even got so far as opening his mouth, but a look from Maggie had him closing it again, and I wondered what we'd missed here.

I felt a little tug on my hand and looked to see Hershel wrapping his fingers around mine. My breath caught in my throat and I crouched down to him.

"Hi Hershel."

"Hi Auntie Abra. I'm gonna ask my dad to look after Charlie." He paused and said very quietly, just for my ears "they don't have to be scared anymore. Ok? It's better 'cause they're not scared" I blinked back tears, he was right. I tried to ensure Charlie never had to be scared, and in a lot of things he was straight faced and stoic, but we didn't have to shield him from the world anymore.

I squeezed the tiny hand still entwined with mine and smiled at Hershel.

"You were Charlie's best friend, and he loved you so much" he squeezed my hand and nodded, before letting my hand go and heading back to his mom.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for being away so long! The TV show has finally caught up with me, so I can continue with my plans. As Always, canon / non canon, some stuff from the TV show but of course things will be different, my universe is around ten years in, Judith is 9-ish, Carl is 20-ish. There are original characters and some which have sadly passed on in my version of this world, which hasn't happened on the show.  
> Anyway, enjoy, as always every single kudos and comment, even the 'hits' going up, make me want to do little happy dances, so please, feel free to do any and all of these if you see fit.

Rick still wanted to try with Gregory. He'd had enough of Negan trying to break us, but we were a small group, especially after so many losses, and Negan's Saviours were so many. We needed as many people on side as possible.

While he and the others went to see Gruesome Greg, a name I'd have loved to call him to his face, in his big stupid house, I took leave to find Carson, and ask him where he thought I was in this pregnancy. It was pointless me going to Gregory with them, there were enough women he wouldn't listen to already going in.

Carson just confirmed what I thought. I was further than 12 weeks, more like 16, which was both good and bad news. I would be pregnant a shorter time than expected, but getting bigger everyday now, and would soon struggle to keep up with everyone else.

"Are you staying stress free?" He asked me, and I laughed. I laughed until I thought my sides might split. He looked at me like I was insane and in that moment, I wouldn't have disagreed.

"They killed Charlie, they drugged me, they beat the shit out of my husband, I made a journey of over 400 miles on a motorbike to my old home and found nothing but bad memories and dead friends." I shrugged my shoulders. "Now there's talk of going to war, I can't honestly say I've been resting" Carson actually smiled,

"Well, you seem in good health considering. I'm so sorry about your son." I nodded primly. Why did people always apologise like that? I never did understand it. I wanted them not to blame themselves for what happened. It made me so sad, Especially this time. I rubbed my growing bump and stared at the floor, trying not to cry.

The door swung open and Maggie poked her head in.

"Hey" she said "Everything OK?" I nodded, grateful for the interruption. Bursting into tears wasn't going to help anyone but I was on the verge, again. I felt like all I did was cry, and soon I would dry up, until there were no more tears left in me to cry with. As pathetic as that felt, it was also true.

"Good, yeah, all good" I turned to Carson, "Thank you, again. I owe you" but he shook his head with a smile.

"Maggie has done so much for us, you owe us nothing. Any time, I'll be here" I frowned, but there was no time to question anything as Maggie dragged me excitedly from the infirmary container. What had happened here while Daryl and I... while we were away?

"Look" she said, so I did, dropping my from my teeth I looked up and I saw.

My family what was left of us, were surrounded by members of the Hilltop. "They want to help, They want to fight Negan. they're sick of him, too."

* * *

 

"It's a start" Michonne looked around at us all, a smile toying with her mouth. Sasha shook her head n we started walking away from the big house, I had a feeling we were hiding our plans from Gregory now. It made sense. The guy was a yella bellied coward, n I'd'a bet my life on him turnin' on us, turnin' us in. It was the last thing we needed.

"We'll get more" Sasha said, sounding determined, sounding positive. "Won't be enough, but we'll get 'em"

"Well, we find the right stuff, then maybe we don't need the numbers. Blow 'em up, burn 'em to the ground." I huffed, I was fed up with ifs and buts, no-one had yet said exactly how this was gonna play out. It was brash of me and I knew it, even Abra looked concerned.

"You said there weren't just soldiers with the Saviors, that there were workers there. People didn't have a choice." Abra snickered and Tara threw her a confused look.

"Everyone has a choice, Tara, you did. You don't remember?" Tara had the sense to look thoughtful, It was true, she'd stood with the governor n made her choice not to destroy us, she made her choice to help Glenn.

"Whatever happens," I said wantin' to throw the thought a Glenn from my mind at least for the moment. "We gotta win." Rick rolled his head from side to side, thoughtful, planning. I was so glad to have him back how he should've always been. Negan had turned him to mush.

"We need more hands, another group. Negan has outposts. The geography, the distance, works against us." He paused a long moment, lookin' at me "We gotta get back. If they come looking for you, for Abra, we need to be there."

"Wait" Jesus cut him off, and waggled a walkie in front of us all. "You don't have to get back. Not yet." We frowned as a single unit at the device in Jesus' hands. "It's one of theirs, long range. We can listen in, keep track of them."

"So," Michonne turned to us all as we arrived at the gate "if we're not going back, what are we doing, then?" Jesus smiled a sly smile, he was still a cocky bastard n it was very hard for me to take too warmly to him.

"I think it's time we introduced you to Ezekiel. King Ezekiel." I scoffed.

"King?" Jesus shrugged, handin' over the walkie n followin' up with.

"I didn't name him."

* * *

 

Daryl and I sat in the back of a car together, I hadn't even though that Negan might come looking for us. I had had his bat, and technically we were on the run. With Charlie... It hadn't even crossed my mind. Now it made perfect sense, and it scared me senseless.

I felt quite smug that Lucille was done for, out of the picture. We'd left the bat in Georgia, not even on purpose. I was glad, though. Without the bat to hide behind I still thought Negan was a damned mouse. But he was the head mouse in a neat if the fuckers. Whether he had Lucille or no, he was a crazy son of a bitch.

Daryl put his hands on me, on my bump, our baby, and asked how things were. Like he read my mind and wanted to get me thinking of something happier. I smiled and told him that Carson had just confirmed my own thoughts. I guess being so underweight it was easy to get things mixed up.

"In about 24 weeks, there'll be a new Dixon in the family" he smiled at me but if didn't reach his eyes. He was worried, I knew.

"There'll come a time ya gotta stay back, Abs" he said solemnly, and I nodded, conceding instantly.

"Yeah, I know. I'm not losing another kid to this world." Daryl gave me his shallow barely there nod, rubbing at my bump again with a gentle hand. A smirk played on the corner of his mouth, but I left it there. It was nice to see him smiling, after we spent so long just broken. We had a little kid on the way and we were going to make this for him or her. We were going to destroy Negan, and all his cohorts. Hopefully the King would help us. I snorted at that, a loud rumble in the back of my throat. Even Rick looked back at that.

"The King?" I said "am I the only one whose first thought was Elvis?" Daryl all but spat, a big guffaw which was so unlike him. I elbowed him in the ribs, so sure he was being sarcastic, but he shook his head.

"Yeah, I'm not sure if I prefer going to a place called 'the Kingdom' to a place called Graceland though."

"We're a long way from Memphis" I giggled, causing Michonne to turn around to us.

"You guys better get your serious heads on when we get there. Whether he's wearing a crown or a rhinestone jumpsuit he could be just the ticket we need."

* * *

 

"If he's all the ticket" Abra said quietly to me when Michonne turned back around. It felt good to laugh. I don't know what brought on the childishness, but it felt good. Almost felt normal. Almost, but not quite.

Abra fell quiet a few miles later n it turned out she was sleepin'. Even when the car stopped. I noticed she didn't snore, she only did that when she felt truly safe, n clearly she don't feel safe in the road. She'd been sleepin' a lot, slept all the way home from Georgia. She snored then, though. Nothin' earth shatterin', just enough so I could tell she was sleepin' soundly, for the first time in a long time. It was the perfect soundtrack to that long ass journey for me.

I left er be, got outta the car with Michonne n Rick, as Rick asked Jesus what was goin' on.

Then things just got really weird.

***

"Horses?" Abra woke up as we got back in the car, n I explained what was happenin'

"Yeah, n they talk like fuckin' Shakespeare" she looked at me very seriously, all childishness forgotten in her brief nap. "We're goin' in, we're gonna take 'an audience with the King'" she frowned, but din't say nothin'. She din't need to, I could tell she felt the same as I did, I could read her like a damned book.

"It'll be alright, we'll talk him round" Rick said, guidin' our vehicle into the gates of the Kingdom.

* * *

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I havent forgotten about these two, you know ;) sorry its been a while. Have an update :)

I stared, slightly numb, and awestruck, at the vision before us all in that odd little theatre room. All humour had gone. This was no laughing matter anymore.

With his dreads almost to his waist, decorated with feathers and sprinkled heavily with grey, this 'King' sure did look noble. He stood about the same height as Daryl beside me, who had gripped my hand and pulled me slightly behind him, though I resisted. The tiger by the King's side was the reason for that weird stunt. She was a real beauty, black and golden stripes perfectly clear across her body, her head the size of a small child. 

Suddenly and protectively my arm curled itself across my growing bump. Perhaps Daryl wasnt completely out of order to try and keep me out of harms way, though how he thought he would fight a tiger is still far beyond me. Still, she was on a thick and heavy chain, and I did feel safe enough.

"Jesus!" The man before us bellowed, his voice theatrical and demanding of attention, though he spoke with a smile "It Pleases me to see you, old friend." Jesus smiled, went to speak, but he turned slightly towards Rick, who was staring daggers into him. My heart jumped a little, bumbling along in my chest far too fast, and I couldnt work out why. Daryl's hand on my arm firmed up a little more, and I realised I had stepped forward, as though to protect Jesus, my friend, from Rick, my family. "Tell me!" that bellow, it filled the whole auditorium, and I noticed Rosita wince back from the sound. "What News do you bring good King Ezekiel? Are these new Allies you've bought me?" He sounded like shakespeare, and I was instantly drawn into the ridiculous show. 

I knew it was crazy, but I was pulled in by the fantasy, the ability to be something else, someone else, and perhaps ignore what was happening all around us in the post apocalyptic world. It was tempting, I could see the appeal.

There was some toing and froing in conversation before they got down to the nitty gritty. We needed allies, we needed help to fight the saviours, and perhaps the kingdom could make up our numbers. Hitting them on a scavenging mission had fallen through, perhaps Negan had called off the Hilltop visit when he noticed Lucille was gone, or perhaps when he got wind of Dwight's failed mission to Alexandria.

I took a seat on one of the fold down theatre chairs, my legs growing weary and painful as I stood for far too long in one place, I wondered if pregnancy was drawing all my energy, as though I was just a host for a parasitic being, or if the thought of Charlie's murderer was too much, too soon. I was zapped.

That was unfair. The baby inside me was an outright miracle. An unexpected ray of light and hope. As I sat all heads turned to me, I wondered if I had said my selfish thoughts out loud

"I'm ok." I said, realising they had just been speaking about the deaths of 'good people', but they didn't mean Charlie. He wasnt good people, he was the  _best_ person. One of my absolute favourite people in the world. I looked up at Daryl, whose narrow eyes bore straight into Ezekiel like they might burn a hole through the man. I could see how tired Daryl looked, how drawn and thin he had become, and wondered if I looked the same, if Charlie’s death had a worn a visible, physical, scar on my person, as well as one on my heart. Daryl was in no position for this, for talk of war, though I knew he would argue he was in the best frame of mind for it. I watched him as he grimaced, panting with rage, at the conversation happening around him, as Rosita mentioned us both and how Negan would be looking. We still needed time, but it was not a luxury we had anymore. With my growing belly and the gaping hole inside me at that moment, I was in no position to argue for or against any of it. 

But I was more worried about Daryl, and I watched him carefully as the conversation ground to a halt.

* * *

Silence rang around the theatre, so heavy I thought I’d gone deaf. I waited impatiently for someone to do something, this king dude had shot us down, pretty hard. 

I felt my breathing speeding up, my skin warming and my chest heaving. An anger bubbled in me and I tried to grit my teeth against it. With Abra taking the weight off her swollen feet, looking at me full of concern, all I wanted to do was scream, wrap my hands around Ezekiel’s neck, and squeeze his breath from him until he succumbed to the obvious, he had to help us. They couldn’t continue the way they were, his people wouldn’t long be in the dark about Negan. 

Instead of strangling him I clenched my fists, squeezing my ragged nails into the flesh of my palms, revelling in the pain it brought. Anything to feel. I was fed up with being numb. 

“Y’all talk about good people dyin’” I said quietly, my face turned to Rick. “Ain’t ‘bout to use my son’s death as leverage, but still...” I paused and turned to the King of this place. “My son, a seven year old kid, was shot in the chest by one of Negan’s minions. My wife:-“ my voice got stuck somewhere between my throat and my lips, and an odd sound escaped me instead of the words I meant to say. “My wife:-“ I couldn’t seem to go farther than that. My wife. She’d been the one to watch that happen. I took a shaking breath and clenched my fists again, almost certain I could feel blood pooling in the rough moon-shapes left in my skin. 

“She...” I pointed at her, words failing me, not that _that_ was unusual, and I felt myself shaking, unable to hold my arm steady or hold Ezekiel’s eyes. 

“Charlie should have been safe at home.” Abra said, very clearly, saving me the embarrassment I felt. “But he wasn’t. Your people will find out about Negan eventually. If you care about them, if you feel a single drop of respect for your townsfolk, you’ll make sure it’s sooner rather than later.” I turned to her, and she met my eyes, her own green ones glassy and liquid. “Negan will come, despite his promises, and they need to be fully prepared.” She finished, still holding my gaze and giving me a nod, which I returned gratefully. 

I guessed it was the realisation hitting me all over again. I knew we were both suffering through loss, our own forms of Post Trauma Stress, but shit, the trauma wasn’t over. We just had to get this asshole on side, at least. 

The king took a moment, and again the deafening silence filled my ears, driving me insane. He looked at us all carefully, one by one, and I swear to this day that god damned tiger followed his gaze lighting on us each in turn. Even he King’s right hand man, a huge guy with a battle axe called Jerry, who seemed to me more a fuckin’ jester, appeared antsy, waiting for some sort of reply to us.

“I invite you all to sup with us, and stay until the morrow.” I practically heard Rick roll his eyes. Felt the release of breath as everyone breathed for the first time in a long minute. Rick looked at me, and I shrugged my shoulders, unsure what to do now.

“Yeah,” He said “We need to get back home.” Ezekiel stood from his seat, his throne, and banged his staff on the stage, barely missing his own foot.

“Please, friends, stay. I will deliver my decree in the morn.” I shared another look with Rick, who now shrugged his own shoulders.

“Be good for Abra to sleep in a decent bed.” He said apologetically. “One night.” I nodded a single nod at him. Sure, whatever. I wasn’t happy about it but using my wife and my unborn kid as leverage was always gonna work. She and I were still on the run, after all. If Negan got wind of either of us we’d be killed. No doubt he had gotten wind of what had happened at Alexandria a few short days before by then. 

 

* * *

As some kind of odd compensation for saying no to us at first, we were put up in some of the best rooms the old school had to offer, on large comfortable beds, and fed like kings ourselves, though Daryl and I barely touched our food. 

“ _Eat_.” I was told by Sasha, “after everything it’s the least you can do.” She blamed me for Abraham dying. I could understand that. Since Charlie she’d never say as much, in her eyes I was feeling guilt enough, I guess. Eating was the least I could do to keep my baby alive and contribute something worthwhile to this world, even if I wasn’t worth this world myself. I sighed, and forced a forkful into my reluctant mouth. It was tasteless, just texture against my tongue, and it made me feel sick. How dare I sit there and enjoy a real meal when I had ripped that opportunity from so many since the world began to die?

We retired to our room where Daryl and I rested fitfully, neither of us sleeping but neither of us speaking to the other. I wondered what he was thinking about, and heard him sigh and turn away from me. This was too reminiscent of the time after he lost his mind, ran away from his daughters death and disappeared for 9 months. 

I sighed my own watery sigh and reached out to him.

”Daryl?” I whispered, my hand grazing his arm. For a split second, so quick I may have imagined it, he stiffened, then relaxed and rolled into his back. I looked at his profile. “Whatever’s going on, whatever happens, we can’t let a rift build between us again.” Saying it out loud made it seem more inevitable, and my heart tore at the words. 

“Nah” He said after a long moment, “can’t let nothin’ come between us, we’re stronger together, anyway.” He rolled a little more so we were face to face. He held my gaze and stroked a tear off my cheek. I felt a smile spread on my mouth, and instantly felt bad to be smiling at such a terrible time. We had no idea what was going to happen next, and we were likely to be at war. I let my lips relax, and Daryl leant forward to kiss my forehead. 

“We’re ok.” He said roughly, “ain’t gonna let Negan break us apart, not now. Not ever.” He kissed the tip of my nose which made me giggle like a school girl. He closed his eyes, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me as close as he could with my growing stomach between us. 


End file.
